The Child We Imagined vs. the Child We Have: When Parenting Means Rewriting the Script
Sometimes the hardest part of parenting is letting go of the child we imagined and learning to understand the child in front of us.
Before a child is born, most parents already have some picture in their mind.
Maybe not a detailed plan.
But a picture.
We imagine their personality.
We imagine the school they will attend, the activities they will enjoy, the subjects they will be good at and, sometimes, even the career they might eventually choose.
We imagine a confident child.
A happy child.
A successful child.
A child who will perhaps follow a path that feels familiar and safe to us.
There is nothing wrong with having hopes for our children.
The difficulty begins when our hopes slowly become expectations, and our expectations become a fixed script.
Then the child starts growing. And the child may not follow the script.
The child may have a different story to tell
Perhaps your child isn't interested in the activity you carefully selected.
Perhaps academics aren't their strength.
Perhaps they take longer to learn something that seems easy for other children.
Perhaps they are extremely sensitive to criticism.
Perhaps they struggle to make friends.
Perhaps they don't want to participate in group activities.
Perhaps they are constantly moving when you expect them to sit and study.
Perhaps homework becomes a daily battle.
Perhaps school itself becomes a source of anxiety.
Or perhaps your teenager suddenly seems to have an opinion about everything.
At these moments, parents often ask:
“Why is my child like this?”
Sometimes a more useful question is:
“What is my child trying to tell me?”
Look beyond the behaviour
Consider a child who refuses to do homework.
The first interpretation may be:
“He is lazy.”
But there could be many possibilities.
Perhaps the child doesn't understand the work.
Perhaps reading is difficult.
Perhaps writing requires so much effort that the child becomes exhausted.
Perhaps the task feels overwhelming.
Perhaps attention is difficult to sustain.
Perhaps the child has experienced repeated academic failure and is beginning to avoid situations where they expect to struggle.
Perhaps the child simply doesn't know how to start.
The behaviour we see is:
“I don't want to do homework.”
But the underlying message could be:
“This is difficult for me.”
That difference matters.
It changes the question from:
“How do I make my child do the work?”
to:
“What is making this task difficult for my child?”
Expectations are not the enemy
This is important.
Understanding a child does not mean having no expectations.
Children need boundaries.
They need routines.
They need responsibilities.
They need opportunities to make choices.
They need to learn that actions have consequences.
Positive parenting isn't about allowing children to do whatever they want. UNICEF describes positive parenting as guiding children with care while maintaining clear, calm and age-appropriate limits. UNICEF Global
The question isn't:
“Should I have expectations from my child?”
The better question is:
“Are my expectations appropriate for this particular child, at this particular stage of development?”
That is a very different question.
Every child has their own pace
One of the biggest sources of parental anxiety is comparison.
“Her cousin is already reading.
“His friend scores 95%.”
“My neighbour's child sits quietly for two hours.”
“At this age, I was already doing this.”
But development doesn't happen on a single timetable.
Children develop across multiple areas—language, cognitive skills, social-emotional development, movement, learning and independence—and individual differences matter.
Developmental milestones can be useful for understanding what skills children commonly develop at different ages, but they are not a substitute for a professional developmental assessment when concerns exist. The CDC specifically recommends talking with a healthcare professional when parents have concerns about development and considering appropriate developmental screening. CDC
So instead of asking:
“Why isn't my child like that child?”
perhaps we can ask:
“Where is my child right now?”
“What can my child already do?”
“What is difficult?”
“What is the next skill we should work on?”
That moves us from comparison to understanding.
Replace labels with questions
Sometimes a small change in language can change the entire way we look at a child.
Instead of:
“He's lazy.”
Try:
“What makes starting the task difficult?”
Instead of:
“She's careless.”
Try:
“What could help her remember?”
Instead of:
“He never pays attention.”
Try:
“When does he find it difficult to focus?”
Instead of:
“She's very stubborn.”
Try:
“What usually happens before she refuses?”
Instead of:
“He hates studying.”
Try:
“Which part of studying is difficult for him?”
The purpose isn't to excuse inappropriate behaviour.
It is to move from judgement to problem-solving.
What happens before the behaviour?
This is one of the simplest things parents can start observing.
If a child repeatedly refuses homework, look for the pattern.
Ask:
When does it happen?
Which subject is involved?
How long has the child already been working?
Is the task too difficult?
Is the child tired or hungry?
Does the child understand the instructions?
Does the child know where to begin?
Does the refusal happen only at home?
Does the same difficulty occur at school?
The behaviour itself is only one part of the picture.
Sometimes what happens before the behaviour tells us much more.
A small change in approach can make a difference
Imagine a child has a 30-minute assignment.
The child refuses.
Instead of immediately saying:
“You are not getting up until you finish everything.”
a parent could try:
“Let's look at what you have to do. Which part should we start with?”
Then break the task into smaller, manageable steps.
For some children, the difficulty isn't unwillingness.
It may be task initiation, organisation, attention, comprehension or simply feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work.
The goal isn't always to reduce expectations.
Sometimes it is to make the path to the expectation clearer.
Children need responsive relationships
Especially during early childhood, the quality of everyday interactions between children and caregivers matters.
The Harvard Center on the Developing Child describes responsive “serve and return” interactions—back-and-forth exchanges between a child and a caring adult—as an important part of children's developing social, emotional and cognitive foundations. Harvard Child Development Centre
This doesn't require complicated activities.
It can happen during:
Mealtimes
Storytelling
Playing
Walking
Getting ready for school
Talking about the day
Looking at something the child finds interesting
A child points.
The parent responds.
The child asks a question.
The parent listens.
The child expresses an emotion.
The parent helps put it into words.
These ordinary moments can be meaningful.
And then comes adolescence
The script often changes again when children become teenagers.
Parents may suddenly feel:
“My child has changed.”
The child who once told you everything may now prefer to stay in their room.
The child who once accepted your advice may question everything.
The child who once needed you for almost everything now wants independence.
This can be uncomfortable for parents.
But adolescence is also a period of increasing independence and identity development.
UNICEF recommends that parents maintain open communication with adolescents, listen without immediately judging or trying to solve everything, and keep expectations realistic and supportive. UNICEF Global
Your teenager may not always need another lecture.
Sometimes they need:
Someone who will listen.
When should parents seek professional guidance?
Not every difficult day is a developmental concern.
Not every poor mark means a learning difficulty.
Not every tantrum indicates a behavioural disorder.
And not every child who dislikes school needs psychological intervention.
But persistent or significant concerns deserve attention.
Parents may consider seeking professional guidance when difficulties are:
Persistent
Increasing over time
Affecting academic performance
Affecting friendships or relationships
Interfering with daily functioning
Affecting emotional wellbeing
Creating significant family conflict
Present across different settings
Associated with concerns about development or loss of previously acquired skills
The CDC advises parents who have concerns about their child's development to discuss those concerns with a healthcare professional and ask about appropriate developmental screening or further evaluation. CDC
And importantly:
Seeking help does not automatically mean something is “wrong” with the child.
Sometimes parents simply need help answering:
“What should we do next?”
Assessment should lead to understanding
A good assessment should not simply become a label.
It should help us understand:
What is the concern?
What may be contributing to it?
What are the child's strengths?
What does the child need?
What can parents do?
What can the school do?
Does the child need intervention or further evaluation?
The goal should ultimately be better understanding and better support.
Perhaps parenting is about rewriting the script
The child we imagined may have been:
A doctor.
An engineer.
A high achiever.
A confident speaker.
A star athlete.
A perfect student.
But the child in front of us may be:
An artist.
A quiet observer.
A child who needs more time.
A child who learns differently.
A child who needs additional support.
A child whose strengths we haven't discovered yet.
Or simply a child who is still figuring out who they are.
Our responsibility isn't to abandon our hopes for them.
It is to hold those hopes lightly enough to allow the child to become themselves.
Because children are not projects that need to be completed according to our design.
They are people who are developing.
And our role as parents is not only to prepare them for the future we imagined.
It is also to understand the person they are becoming.
Perhaps good parenting isn't about writing the perfect script.
Perhaps it is about being willing to rewrite it.
A thought I often come back to in my work
As professionals working with children and families, it is easy to focus on the question:
“What should we change in the child?”
Sometimes we need to step back and ask:
“What do we need to understand first?”
Because when we understand the child better, we can make better decisions about expectations, support, learning, behaviour and intervention.
And sometimes the most meaningful intervention begins before intervention—
with listening, observing and understanding.
References & Further Reading
UNICEF Asia Pacific — Positive Parenting: Guidance on supportive parenting, clear boundaries, listening and understanding children's needs. UNICEF Global
UNICEF Asia Pacific — Positive Parenting Tips for Children 6–10: Guidance on children's growing independence, confidence and individual identity. UNICEF Global
UNICEF India — Tips for Parents and Caregivers to Support Adolescents: Guidance on listening, communication and realistic expectations during adolescence. UNICEF Global
CDC — Concerned About Your Child's Development?: Guidance on developmental concerns, developmental screening and seeking professional evaluation. CDC
CDC — Developmental Milestones: Information for parents on developmental milestones and when to seek further guidance. CDC
Harvard Center on the Developing Child — Serve and Return: Evidence-informed explanation of responsive caregiver-child interactions and child development. Harvard Child Development Centre
Note: This article is intended for educational purposes and does not replace an individual assessment or professional consultation for a specific child.
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